O-Ryan's Blue-Jay

Many long to journal, keep a diary, and write stories or poetry. Writing is one of the easiest artistic outlets, and there are many benefits to it. Writing what you’re thinking and feeling is a pretty straightforward way to understand yourself, think through something, vent, plan, forget…

Cramming for my discrete structures test–I tried to retain the chapters of information I had learnt in the past week by writing everything down by hand. I had even tried implementing the ‘scribble’ study method I saw on TikTok, though I lacked the coordination and patience for it. My hand began to hurt, and the lettering wasn’t perfect because I was so rushed. It was very satisfying however–writing on paper. It just made me think about how tiresome it would be for me to journal even semi-regularly.

And now as I was submitting my ‘personal drawing’ assignment for drawing 1–the album cover I drew for Box Elder–it made me think about self expression for the second time today. And especially when beneath my personal drawing I had to submit my ‘pre-instruction drawing’, I could easily see that my once beloved method of self expression was slipping from me.

I was even asked by my professor for my drawing 1 class to submit another drawing, a ‘self portrait in action’, of which was described by the following instruction:

“In the space provided below, draw a portrait of yourself IN ACTION doing what you see yourself doing after you complete
your education or degree. Where do you want to see yourself after college? – include the setting – NO TEXT PLEASE.”

I drew myself holding a piece of paper that had the following image from my Pinterest board sketched onto it very basically;

It made me think about how I should dedicate more time to art, and how earlier today I told myself I was going to dedicate more time to programming and putting together a portfolio of art and computer projects, and how I was also going to make a document in which after every day I have class, I would review what we went over and write a summary to maintain clarity of what I do and don’t understand, and I was also going to–

You get the point. Instead I just have an undisclosed amount of screen time for the same three apps, of which I’m sure you can guess. I’m hoping that by creating this blog, I can put all these thoughts down and do something with them. By writing them down in such a public display of actualization, they have at least left my head in some regard that wasn’t just forgetting.

actualize
: to make actual : realize

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/actualize

After a year or so of sertraline, therapy, overthinking, forgetting, traveling, crying, accepting, loving, hating, doom scrolling, panicking, apathy, creating, and turning 20–I know I have something to give. I know I’m smart, and at the very least, I can always become smarter. I don’t hate who I am, and I don’t hate myself for the things that I regret. I have philosophies in life that have a place in this world. I have people who want my art–my talent and visions. The hardest person to convince that to was myself. I’ve never hated myself for never having the ideas, dreams, or inspiring visions for the future–I hated that I would never actualize them.

I’ve cooked meals, brewed coffee, made matcha lattes, gotten closer to my cat, made an album cover, applied to jobs, worked my previous job, and actualized my goals. I want to apologize and thank myself for holding on.

So if I just write down my ideas and thoughts, proofread them, and publish them, I’m doing a lot for myself. I’m allocating time in my day for myself and my creativity, giving my thoughts form and language. My brain needs more credit where it’s due, and my thoughts need room like my body and spirit do.