I’m writing this because I feel conflicted about things that have been playing out for a long time. And because of that, I’m conflicted about how to start writing this out.
I will start by contradicting something I’ve said for the past 6 years: although I appreciate the experience it gave me, robotics did more harm than good for my outlook on career and personal fulfillment.
My journey, which I’ve written about more than enough times for awards and scholarship essays, boils down to this: I was a pessimistic art kid who didn’t think I was smart enough for STEM classes until I joined robotics. It motivated me to take engineering classes and get ahead in math. I left my artistic pursuits behind to engage with more fulfilling and intellectual subjects like computer science.
I ignored the advice of many and sought happiness by dedicating my life to a high-paying STEM career. This was the smart and only rational decision. However, I fell into the trap of choosing a major for the wrong reasons by trying so hard to avoid that fate.
So, I’m doing what I was so scared and conditioned into not doing—not finishing a STEM degree in 4 years with XYZ internships and experience under my belt. Which, I understand, sounds harmless and quite normal.
However, it is pretty terrifying and feels like, at times, I am ruining myself.
I mean, I dedicated so much of my mental and physical time to robotics. When I graduated, I always wished I had done something besides robotics, like track or swimming. I don’t blame myself for how I thought and acted in high school because I was just trying to figure things out, and I’m pretty proud of who I was and what I did with myself, but that being said—there was such a sense of high and mighty, ‘better than everyone’ else in robotics. If you were someone I was close to during those days, you know exactly what I’m talking about, but looking back, I honestly felt so close-minded and egotistical. Again, I don’t think I was a bad or mean person; it was the mindset you needed, and everyone embraced it to thrive in that space. I fell into that way harder than I realized at the time.
It’s funny how one thing someone says can stick with you and really change every action and thought you have. Even if other events continue to influence you, there may be some things you think back to as ‘the beginning of it all.’
For me, it was “art students are going to work in McDonald’s,” said by a friend I really looked up to, and “I was saving that book for a [student in my class] or a [student in my class]” said by a teacher I knew for years. The thing about the first quote is that I actually retaliated and called out how horrible of a thing that is to say. It still dictated my own views. And for the second quote, the teacher knew it was a horribly biased and belittling thing to say and tried to retract it the second they said it, but it still eats away at me today*. Because those two things set in stone something my insecure, scared teenage brain constantly ran off of: that I’m justified in comparing myself to others because people in my life are actively doing it. Not that everyone is comparing themselves to others—that specifically, people are seeing ME the way I compare myself negatively to others.
I’m not angry at either of the people who said it, and they probably wouldn’t repeat it today. It’s just unfortunate timing, isn’t it? The lessons we learn are always at the end of the cycle, if at all.
I just feel as though I’m constantly breaking through a shell, and before my skin hardens, I’m soft and cocooning again. But maybe if I didn’t force myself to succumb to spite and the dying expectations of others, I would have harder skin and a beautiful design.
*Writing this motivated me to write a letter to the teacher about this moment, and I was able to make peace with this teacher and the many experiences I had in high school.
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